CW: Pet Death, grief, health issues.
I knew going into february was going to be very busy and lots of life inputs, and that's okay. Initially I wrote February as a wash when it came to goal setting because I had travel plans for my birthday and holidays coming up that would distract me. February is also a short month even though I still structure my five weeks into cycles. What I did not expect was to lose my dear pet Radar of 26 years to old age and getting very sick with bronchitis. Instead of treating this month as a total failure, I'm restructuring how I see this month. The winter months are about setting roots and foundation and I realize that I have to start things slow. I can have real life inputs and it does not reflect failures to plan.
So I shifted my perspective from output generation to light work, self care, taking things in, and letting recovery be productive. Recovery and rest are just as important to maintenance of goals as ways to prevent burn out. I know this is hard for me personally because my AuDHD means I am constantly working from 0-11 all the time with no in between. The alexithymia that comes with it makes it even harder to know when I am pushing beyond my limits. So I tried to just lightly section out what needed to be worked on and what could be worked on realistically just so my brain knows I'm keeping the projects warm and from being forgotten.
I also am learning to acknowledge sickness and grief and honor my body and feelings and not minimize them. There's a part of my brain that wants to rationalize things and turn that energy into something positive like “good damage” but there is no good or bad damage. It just hurt and that's okay. I am allowed to be a person, I am allowed to experience joy as well as grief… This is a skill I must develop and learn it not spiral. After Radar;s funeral I will slowly get onto my goals and reassess for re-entry but also be wary of making concrete plans. Intention is what matters.
Week one was about prep for the cruise and was technically a reset week for January. I'm very hesitant and anti-cruise for environmental reasons and i dont ever want to be someone contributing to problems. My partner really wanted an all expenses paid vacation and it was on their bucket list and when disney came out with a more ecologically friendly cruise focused on villains my gf looked at me and knew how much i loved disney hercules and was like babe you got to go. I relented and to be honest, as I paid it off and saved money for it as time neared by, I got more and more hyped and excited for it. I have never been to the Bahamas and I know I fell in love with what little I know about bahamian culture from the artist Gio Swaby who came to our museum and had a show once.
We signed up for some eco tours and also cultural tours to learn about ethnobotony, native animals and plants, and the historical significance of slavery and colonization that played a part in bahamian culture. We also signed up for massages on the beach because of life goals.
Prior to the week of going on the cruise, my bird Radar had a health scare. He wasn't eating much and I noticed him spending more time at the bottom of the cage due to his arthritis. I took him with two vets who both said he was just old. diagnosed with terminal old man disease. He was given anti-inflammatory medication and the week prior I was worried he may pass while I was away.
The first night I was anxious because the seas were choppy and rough and I did not know how my body would react. We also forgot to completely seal the window and we heard howling wind all night that gave me the illusion that the waves were rougher than they were. Every time i woke up i was like yep this is the part where i die. But I didn't. I just gas lit myself into falling asleep. Next day we wandered around, ate good food and visited the eleuthera lookout point because it's not technically a key and I'm siding with our tour guide who knows his land better than disney.
We learned about the local plants and I wish I took better notes to remember them all and what they were used for. Some of the plants I think we can find here in Florida such as sea grapes, rats tail and what I call tourist trees. Ethnobotanists are doing mother’s work.
The following day was a day spent at sea and we did not get massaged at the beach because the water was too choppy and it was not safe to land. But that was okay because we still got massages on the boat, and got to visit Nassau the next day. My boyfriend signed up for a conservation tour at their local zoo which helped raise and breed the local flamingo population and also rescued animals kept as exotic pets. I got to see many birbs which made me miss mine greatly.
Last night was my birthday, the real reason for the cruise, to celebrate my birthday with a fun experience, we.. accidentally went to a 3 hour long 3 star michelin restaurant on board thinking it was just a slightly fancier dinner with an upcharge. We were so wrong. There were many tiny portions that added up over 5 courses and I almost got sick because there was so much food in consideration. I've been getting that a lot lately, unable to eat because my body is rejecting food. Ill need to look into that at some point. Next day we packed our stuff and headed home. I think we were all over-stimulated and I had to pick up my birds and go to work the next day, now into week two?
Week two i picked up my birds who were all alive, healthy and glad to be with me although radar was a sleepy old man still he looked like he was on the upswing., I scheduled over a week prior to go out on the 15th to a fancy restaurant with my gf for our ten year anniversary and valentines day so I was looking forward to that. Sadly I was under the weather on the 13th and by the time valentines was on me, the day i was supposed to represent the museum at localtopia, i was very sick and got sent home early, when i got home I rested and woke up to check on the birds, I saw radar struggling and I knew. He was leaving.
I took him out and brought him to my boyfriend and we immediately stopped everything, we knew it was coming. We sat down with radar bundled up in a blanket for the next couple of hours as he slept and slowly passed in our arms. We made sure to kiss him, keep him warm and comfy and give him scritches and soft words of love and kindness. This bird I had with me so long and through much of my life and he was my first bird. He lived through loss of mates, moving homes, and my school years, and he was at times my only friend. I really consider myself lucky to have had him for so long and to be with him the entire time.
The next day I cried all morning but I knew I would have to take time with myself and sit with the pain. But also I was sick, and feeling miserable and so I was stuck inside the house, but oh wiat the anniversary dinner. Against better judgement perhaps to feel better about things and spend time with my partner eoghan who visited me after radar passed, i wanted to focus on love and cherishing what i had. I went to dinner, almost got sick at the table and had to wrap things up to go home.
The next day was week three, i called off my usual hang out with grandma so i wouldnt pass anything to her, and went to urgent care to treat the bronchitis that I keep coming down with. And later dropped off Radar's body for cremation. I opted to get some of his feathers back and also get his feet stamped to later turn into a tattoo on my shoulder. I spent the rest of the day taking things as easy as I could. Slowly cleaning. Slowly unpacking. Trying to work rest and grief into healing and remind myself that this is when I need to take things slow and that they are not set backs but actual life inputs. Life and death happens. And when it does we need to be gentle with ourselves and not push so hard which for my adhd brain is very difficult to do.